Anchors A-Weigh

As January comes to a close, I am looking forward to the possibilities of the rest of 2010.

Here's what's up right now:

I am teaching voice and piano lessons, auditioning locally, starting a fitness/yoga club, and enjoying bonding time with my Gracie Lou. (see pic)


So what's with the picture of the boat?


My deep thoughts for the day(Actually, these are thoughts that occurred late last night while trying too hard to fall asleep):



An anchor is something that carries weight, or weighs you down, plants you in one place or situation. A negative connotation implies being stuck, perhaps permanently to one thing or person. An anchor drags you down....or maybe not.

I'm afloat in a small boat on a slightly breezy and beautiful sunny day. I'm anchored up near shore at a shallow depth of about 3 feet. While I enjoy basking and floating, I trust that my boat won't stray from where I put it.

And yet, it does drift with the waves, however far the anchor will allow.

A pivotal point.

The anchor, providing stability, gives freedom to the vessel within a certain radius.

OK...I'm not trying to come up with some New Age religiophilosophical mess...but...


Those of us who, so far, lead seemingly transient lives, understand the longing for this anchor.

Is it a Place?

Is it God?

Money? A Person?

A mission or quest?

A true artist might claim that the art itself it sufficient. BUT! For a performer, those moments of artistic bliss are, by nature, fleeting.

So what do we do?

I've found my anchors at times to exist mostly in people. A place can be an anchor for a time, but that place changes when the people that make that place special are no longer there. And, since I have moved to a different place nearly every year I was away from home, I know that a place is not my reliable anchor.

[Side: There are cities that provide more of an anchor than others, like New Orleans or Paris, because they have enough character and charm and music and art and history to create a lifetime love affair. The anchoring effect lasts even though you yourself are not there.]

Of course, we all know that people themselves change, too. So, that's out. And what one person would want the responsibility of being that point you pivot around? Then again, there's that opposite and equally enforced idea that people DON'T change. Depends on context, I suppose.

One type of anchor is not necessarily better than another. Perhaps God would be the most obvious and best choice. But we are not perfect, and we ourselves are not reliable vessels. Due to the many stages of faith, often described as a journey, a sense of faith alone would be a difficult, often wavering anchor.

So I ask again, what do we do? Where can we, the transient, look for that anchor? Is it a combination of all of the above? Can we, the artistic vessel, through our conviction and passion for our craft, provide an anchor within ourselves?

Obviously, I don't know the answer yet. Maybe this stuff just figures itself out? All this thinking made me hungry, so I'm getting a snack for now. Let me know what you think.

New Year, New Start, and the "N" word...Part II

Status check....

Mid-January: 2 flat-out "No"s, 2 "No Thank You"s, 1 very nice "No, but maybe NEXT YEAR", and 2 pending.

There's a reason why people believe in their Lucky Stars, Fate, Destiny, What's Meant to Be Will Be, Change is Inevitable or Change is Good. Because...in truth, it really sucks not getting what you want when you want it. The concept is everywhere: visual arts, literature, film, poetry, maybe even in science (think Chaos Theory). Those big ideas (ideals) that we search for: True Love, Fortune, Fame, Respect, Honor, Glory....all have one thing in common....work hard enough on your end of things and somehow, someday, the universe will align and give you your every heart's desire. On its own time, of course. Why?

Because good things come to those who...what?....wait. Or at least to those to actively wait; those who are pursuing one thing in a specific direction until the path of What's Coming to You intersects (or collides) with the path you are traveling.

I have recently become a fan of Gregory Maguire's twisted fairy tale novels. I started with Wicked (awesome), then Son of a Witch (strange but fantastic), then over to the Cinderella story in The Ugly Stepsister, and then the third in the Wicked series, A Lion Among Men, the novel which illustrates my point further. Maguire prefaces with a quote from Eric Kraft:


"A statement about luck is a statement about the mind, not about the world...We find what seems to have been the lucky break or the big mistake, so we thank our lucky stars that we took the road less traveled or curse the fates that sent that little wavelet that flipped us on our backs. With hindsight, we seem to see that everything preceding the pivotal point was leading up to it, tending toward it, and that everything following it grew from it.

To any observer outside the lucky one himself, however, luck is simply chance. Chance is neutral." --from "I Consider My Luck" in Brothers and Beasts: An Anthology of Men on Fairy Tales.

I could have stopped right there. All of what I have been trying to put into words about this life that I lead were right there on that page. If this is how I can view the progress of my existence, then I am still WAITING for that one moment that defines everything else.

In a lot of ways, I feel I have chosen, either consciously or subconsciously, ways in life to test my patience: Working with children, waiting rooms in clinics, and of course, a career in classical music. [Side note: I have a self-diagnosed condition I have come to call "Buffet Anxiety." Anytime there is food involving standing in a line, I nearly have a panic attack waiting for my turn.]

My hope is that I don't fall apart before my defining moment comes around. A great test of patience is upon me as I file away this year's audition responses. But patience here is more about doing the little things and trusting that they all add up to that one moment that eventually, at least, seems pivotal.

So perhaps NO turns into NOT NOW. Or better, NOT YET.

Ultimately, I realize that a "Yes" for one thing will define the next "Not Yet" I will focus on.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"But don't get hung up on it, just soldier on with it. And good luck with shooting the moon."

---"Shooting the moon" by Ok Go

New Year, New Start, and the "N" word...Part I

Happy New Year, everyone! It's 2010, and boy, am I glad! In a way, I feel like I don't have much to show for myself with the passing of 2009. I survived it; that's about it. Sure, I had my small successes and some moderately good deeds, but overall, I feel the best is yet to come. And who wouldn't want to feel that way, anyway?

But first, I should take a moment to review, reflect, and reconsider what success can mean:

Those of you who have read my other entries know that for the better part of 2009, I was living in New York City. Living and working and singing and eating and working out and and and...

If I take a minute to remember details, which as of late, I have discovered is a challenge for me, I see the tiny, insignificant moments of everyday as a large part of my success for the past year. Examples? Every time I caught the 6 train heading downtown and actually found a seat. Or, remembering to bring my umbrella and wear rain boots when it was going to pour.

After moving away from the city and temporarily into my aunt's place outside of DC, I realized quickly that making a to-do list on a daily basis would help me feel better about life in general. I wasn't working and had to focus on auditions. There were days when I didn't even go outside. I needed an agenda. My list usually went something like this:

• Wake up before 10.....check, well, mostly check.
  
• Brush teeth...check.
• Eat something...check. (yes, I put that on the list...)
• Practice at some point
• Clean up room, maybe
• Return emails
• Exercise
• Eat something else

Checking off the simplest things made enough positive impact to get through a day and feel productive. If you haven't tried this, I highly recommend it. I'm sure Oprah would agree.

Audition season, Sept-Dec, was a success in that I showed up and did my best every time. I've expounded on this in previous blog entries, so I won't go into detail. But, I will put it on the "yay for me" list for 2009.
Holiday time rolled around, and I came home to Mississippi. For the first time in years, I was truly Home for the Holidays. We, my Dad and Mom and I, made the trip by car from Virginia to the MS Gulf Coast. (I grew up going on long car rides and road trips, so I wasn't surprised that this would be our mode of transportation.)

Shortly after somewhat settling in with boxes and clothes and stuff, as I have done so many times in different places, I was able to organize a few holiday musical appearances.

The first was the annual Singing Christmas Tree at my home church. What I learned: apparently I have no idea how to sing with a microphone in my hand. There was no class in college or grad school entitled Classical Vocal Technique and Sound Systems 101. Who knew it would be so different? Seriously, I felt like I couldn't sing with my trained voice because of the mic. I'm sure it was completely psychological. Even so...I'll work on that.

About a week before Christmas, I went on a local radio show.

Margaret Cooper's "Looking around" (on WOSM 103.1 FM) features local artists, musicians, people in ministry, and just your everyday folks from the area. This time made my third guest spot on her show, the first having been New Year's Day 2009.






What I learned: The host can ask whatever she wants, so when you are "on the air," you better have something to say back. Also, since I am a live music act in the studio, I should have more than enough music prepared. I only officially had 4 pieces worked up for the show. Since I was the only official guest that day (she usually has 3 or 4 at least), I had to fill time. As a result, I got to play and sing one of my original songs! AND I got a party gig for that very same evening. Also, I learned that it is important to have a strong promoter with you (Dad, in my case) to remind you what to talk about. Doesn't hurt that he also plays piano and helped me out with a jazzy Jingle Bells number that we improvised on air!

Two days later, still before Christmas, I received emails regarding results of two auditions. They joined the many that have come before them in the pile of NOT NOW, NEVER (YEAH RIGHT), NEIN, NOPE, NO NO NO NO NO!

Needless to say, this was not a great early Christmas present, especially since I had felt so great about my performances in both of these auditions.

What I learned: it is much easier to deal with anticipation of results than when they actually come in as what you didn't want to hear.

Fortunately, I had a Christmas Eve service to look forward to. As the soloist for the night, I sat in the front of the church in my red and green taffeta gown next to Reverend Anna Fleming, who is, yes, my sister.


Before the holidays, I kept telling myself (and everyone else) that I would "regroup" after the holidays. Guess what! No more stalling...

So what now?

Stay tuned for the next installment:

New Year, New Start, and the "N" word...Part II: what to do when all I hear is "No!"

Thanks, as always, for reading.