Mid-January: 2 flat-out "No"s, 2 "No Thank You"s, 1 very nice "No, but maybe NEXT YEAR", and 2 pending.
There's a reason why people believe in their Lucky Stars, Fate, Destiny, What's Meant to Be Will Be, Change is Inevitable or Change is Good. Because...in truth, it really sucks not getting what you want when you want it. The concept is everywhere: visual arts, literature, film, poetry, maybe even in science (think Chaos Theory). Those big ideas (ideals) that we search for: True Love, Fortune, Fame, Respect, Honor, Glory....all have one thing in common....work hard enough on your end of things and somehow, someday, the universe will align and give you your every heart's desire. On its own time, of course. Why?
Because good things come to those who...what?....wait. Or at least to those to actively wait; those who are pursuing one thing in a specific direction until the path of What's Coming to You intersects (or collides) with the path you are traveling.
I have recently become a fan of Gregory Maguire's twisted fairy tale novels. I started with Wicked (awesome), then Son of a Witch (strange but fantastic), then over to the Cinderella story in The Ugly Stepsister, and then the third in the Wicked series, A Lion Among Men, the novel which illustrates my point further. Maguire prefaces with a quote from Eric Kraft:
"A statement about luck is a statement about the mind, not about the world...We find what seems to have been the lucky break or the big mistake, so we thank our lucky stars that we took the road less traveled or curse the fates that sent that little wavelet that flipped us on our backs. With hindsight, we seem to see that everything preceding the pivotal point was leading up to it, tending toward it, and that everything following it grew from it.
To any observer outside the lucky one himself, however, luck is simply chance. Chance is neutral." --from "I Consider My Luck" in Brothers and Beasts: An Anthology of Men on Fairy Tales.
I could have stopped right there. All of what I have been trying to put into words about this life that I lead were right there on that page. If this is how I can view the progress of my existence, then I am still WAITING for that one moment that defines everything else.
In a lot of ways, I feel I have chosen, either consciously or subconsciously, ways in life to test my patience: Working with children, waiting rooms in clinics, and of course, a career in classical music. [Side note: I have a self-diagnosed condition I have come to call "Buffet Anxiety." Anytime there is food involving standing in a line, I nearly have a panic attack waiting for my turn.]
My hope is that I don't fall apart before my defining moment comes around. A great test of patience is upon me as I file away this year's audition responses. But patience here is more about doing the little things and trusting that they all add up to that one moment that eventually, at least, seems pivotal.
So perhaps NO turns into NOT NOW. Or better, NOT YET.
Ultimately, I realize that a "Yes" for one thing will define the next "Not Yet" I will focus on.
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"But don't get hung up on it, just soldier on with it. And good luck with shooting the moon."
---"Shooting the moon" by Ok Go
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